The Loss of a Loved One: I've put off writing this post for days and days, simply because writing about it would mean that it's real and I don't want it to be real, I so so badly don't want it to be real. Speaking about it is too painful so I've resorted to what I have always done, pen and paper. I have sat here for 2 hours and I still can't find the words to describe how it feels, losing my brother is the type of pain I cannot put into words. Friday 21st September 2012 started off as a normal day for me, I woke up, complained about it being too early and went off to start my shift at the hospital. My morning went normal and then at 12:45pm I got a missed call from our landline which I thought was weird because I never get a call from the house phone, like ever! Maria said maybe it was my dad practising how to use the phone to call Mobiles, which made me laugh. I got two more missed calls from my sister a few minutes after that. I didn't call back, instead I text her: ''what's up, I'm at work right now?'' not knowing that her reply would make my world stop spinning, my heart stop beating and my tears start flowing. I got a reply instantly: ''Come home, the police are saying Jubel's dead.'' All I remember after that was running. When I got on the bus I had a mantra going in my head ''it's not true, it's not true'' I remember sitting down with my head in my hands trying to forget the text, trying to wake up because it all seemed so unreal, this wasn't happening, not to me, not my brother and then a sob just escaped my lips, I couldn't stop myself, my world just ended. I remember the woman next to me handing me a tissue and comforting me, asking me 'what's the matter?' I just shook my head constantly and kept on sobbing. The bus was moving so slow that I wanted to get in the driver's seat and drive it myself, at top speed. I don't know how I got home because once I'd reached my stop, my legs wouldn't move, I just wanted to curl up into a little ball somewhere and cry. I remember bursting through the front door, I passed my eldest brother straight into the dining room and into the arms of my mother. The pain and scream that escaped her lips is one I cannot describe, one that I never want to hear again. I could sit here and tell you about the pain that I am going through but I can honestly say, I cannot begin to imagine the pain that my parents are going through, they've lost the son they made and raised. Can I compare my pain to them? Never. I've never cried so much. In the back of my mind I didn't want it to be real, maybe they found the wrong person, maybe they went into the wrong apartment that day, maybe it's not my brother. I remember just praying, ''God please don't let it be, don't let it be him, don't let it be the brother that I love.'' That day, my father was the last to find out. I went out searching for him, just praying that he was okay too. That he hadn't found out from someone else. He bumped into my brother-in-law who was on his way to ours who told him, I wasn't home at the time but I know that my father didn't approach the door with a smile on his face. His world ended too. Mum kept crying, dad kept leaving the house and people kept coming and going, bringing food that no-one was going to eat. My middle brother got on a flight from Turkey and was with us by night time. There were moments of silence, moments of uncontrollable tears accompanied by immense pain, I was just waiting for him to walk in through the front door with that bright smile on his face and say 'hey, who died?' and laugh. Believe me when I say, I have replayed that scene over and over again in my head but deep down I know that it'll never be true. It.Is.Never.Going.To.Happen. The day of the funeral came around so fast, we didn't get to see him one last time. I remember waking up that day - restless. I remember waking up to the quiet sobs of my mother, to the quiet sobs of my father. The pain in my heart wouldn't ease and the closer time got to 1pm the more the pain increased. They took his coffin away from us, I didn't want to let go, I didn't want him to go underground, what was I going to do without him? How am I going to move forward knowing that I'll never see his face again, never hear his voice or laugh again? How am I going to get through? These past few weeks have been one heck of a rollercoaster. Sometimes I am fine, most of the time I'm not and I know it's the same for my parents, for my siblings. But we all gather round and reminisce about the good times, about all the joy that he has brought into our lives - he was one great human being. I am going to travel the world for you bro, I will live your dreams for you. It's like someone's taken away your sight You cannot see anything or anyone anymore, the world is nothing but a dark hole What is the use of you seeing when the one you love cannot see anymore? It's like someone's taken a knife and ripped out your heart There's a hole where your heart once used to be, it's not beating, you're not living anymore It's like someone's strangling you making it harder and harder for you to breathe What is the use of breathing when the one you love breathes no more? It's like you're underwater with someone's hand holding you down Constantly looking for a way out but you cannot find one, losing air and oxygen thinking today you'll be united with your loved one Trying and trying to come up for air, to reach out to the light and get out of this dark and miserable state, to live...to live, for him You try to imagine what it's like six feet underground, closed off in a coffin where no air can get in or out Questioning everything, am I dreaming, is this real? Mistaking people for him, calling out his name only to find that you've got the wrong person Visiting his grave and wanting to stay there, to lay next to him, calling out to him hoping for an answer Texting him knowing you'll never get a reply, trying to avoid facing the truth, accepting it even because the pain is too much to bare Closing your eyes at night with a picture of him by your side, Wishing and hoping that you'll see him in your dreams tonight Hoping to wake up in the morning stronger than the day before Asking God to guide you, to give you the strength to move on Hoping for the better but forever asking the question: Oh God, will I ever get over this pain of losing a loved one? Copyright © Tahera Douglas 2012