That’s not fair” is a frequently heard complaint from kids. In fact, it is often the pinnacle of their anger. At this point, kids want to be able to explain the problem and their feelings. They want to feel heard. They want their feelings to be accepted. Unfortunately, when parents hear this cry, they automatically respond by reassuring the child that things are indeed fair. This creates even greater frustration and anger, because the child does not feel heard or understood. And, it misses the point. Our goal as parents is to understand why something feels amiss to a child. Reasons for “that’s not fair”: 1.It’s not fair = I don’t like this 2.Genuine imbalance in their lives and/or relationships It can be difficult to tell the difference between the two, but I encourage every parent to take careful stock of the situation before brushing this statement off. It’s not fair = I don’t like this Unlike “I’m telling on you!”, “that’s not fair” is a phrase parents will hear for many years to come. It means different things at different ages. A preschool child will consider differences in bedtime or seat assignments a fairness issue. School age children might consider strict rules around TV to be a fairness issue, while teenagers consider an early curfew an unfair act. These complaints reflect disappointment that something has not gone their way. Rather than trying to reason with your child about why it is, in fact, fair, it’s important to acknowledge their disappointment or frustration. If the complaint is a reaction to an important rule (safety, health, etc), then stick with it. If there is a reasonable way to show a little give-and-take without compromising an important rule or value, then model this process for your child. Genuine imbalance Genuine imbalances can happen without us recognizing it as such and/or knowing how to change it. When a child behaves poorly, it often represents an imbalance. Maybe your child is stressed about demands at school or a challenging friendship dynamic or what he perceives to be an imbalance of time, attention, or love toward another sibling. Children crave harmonious relationships and family life in the same way that parents do. When a child’s efforts to do well at school, or on an athletic field, or at home with a sibling receives our praise, support, and encouragement, that is a sign of the relationship being in balance. When these efforts are met with indifference, immediate correction, or disapproval, then the relationship quickly becomes imbalanced. These imbalances take time to understand. With an older child, we can have a discussion, which entails being available and ready to listen. A young child is less able to reflect and pinpoint his own discord, so we have to imagine his perspective, through observation and honest, thoughtful reflection. Once we feel like we understand the root of the frustration, then we must find the compassion and openness to address it appropriately, without being defensive